The Vatican has issued an urgent appeal world-wide to replace the outgoing President, Archbishop I.M. Weary, who has unfortunately been hospitalized suffering from a severe nervous condition which left him in a sorry state, always repeating the words: "He said WHAT???!!!". Since its inception, the Pontifical Council for Damnun Imperium has had a string of Presidents in just a few years. The Vatican is happy to report that only three of them are on suicide watch.

The person the Vatican is seeking (any religion, any of the numerous genders) must have the stamina of a thoroughbred race horse, the "gabby fast-talking" ability of an auctioneer and the nerves of steel of a brain surgeon. It should be taken into serious consideration that this is a 24/7 job with a very small staff due to the high intensity stress and quick thinking responses required to salvage what is left of the Catholic Church.

It should be noted that in the interim (there is no way to muzzle the Bishop of Rome—no disrespect intended), a representative from the Vatican approached Sister Gaylee Van Dyke of the LCWR to request her assistance in this matter. It was difficult to find her in her roving bus. She was travelling from Beverly Hills, California to Aspen, Colorado in an unsuccessful attempt to find "poor people". When the mission of the council was thoroughly explained to her, a bewildered Sister Gaylee, handsomely dressed in a pea green pantsuit, accessorized with a rainbow colored Peace Sign, she responded: "Has our dear Bishop of Rome said or done anything wrong?"

Anyone interested in this position, please contact the Vatican immediately. The Bishop of Rome is going to America soon. Heaven help us all!