None of that, please.
Catholics across the country are eager to return to their parish churches after enduring months without access to the Mass. Dioceses are examining various ways in which they can safely commence public Masses and other forms of ministry. This is welcome news, but some thoughtful priests have cautioned against a rush to reopen. After all, the Church has only been closed during the balance of Lent and all of Eastertide, so there is no need to hurry back to Ordinary Time.
In a new customer-safety initiative, Lowe's home improvement warehouses today announced that they would be removing all sharp or pointy objects from store shelves. "Customer and Associate safety is our top priority," declared Rich Scareborough, Lowe's Vice President of Safety.
Mark Twain once explained that “all you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.” These seem like fitting words to begin as I, quivering with emotion, scribe a few words on the death of the “fictional” Susan from the Parish Council. Her ignorance was inestimable, her confidence impenetrable, and her success undeniable.
If hunger is the best sauce for food, one might say humor is the best antiseptic for nasty microbes. I offer Remnant and Allium-Cepa readers an octave of limericks in response to Andrea Grillo’s “Open Letter on the ‘State of Liturgical Exception.’” (A more serious reply may be found here.)
Summa theologiae, Quarta Pars, Question 69½
Concerning chickens, there are four things to be inquired into: first, whether the chicken crossed the road to get to the other side; second, whether fried chicken was instituted before the Fall; third, whether “finger-lickin’ good” is a transcendental; fouth, whether Chicken McNuggets are actual food.
VATICAN CITY (A-CNN) —Pope Francis told the few homeless folks gathered at his Wednesday Audience that fear of the Corona virus is “making us crazy.”
VATICAN CITY, FEBRUARY 17, 2020 — The Vatican has announced the approval of the beatification of Arthur Lanley Coxcomb, a British passenger on the Titanic who was observed rearranging deckchairs from the time it started sinking until it was almost completely submerged, according to the reports of several survivors. He died apparently without realizing the utter futility of what he was doing.
Pope Francis said that during Jesus' time, there were people like the Pharisees who had "owned the Earth" but didn't know how to "paint with all the colors of the wind"
Hearts hardened by ideology, selfishness and arrogance leave no room for "the colors of the wind", Pope Francis said.
“The Lord only goes in hearts that have heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon,” that is, hearts that can "sing with all the voices of the mountains,” the Pope said in his homily on February 18 during morning Mass at the Domus Sanctae Marthae.
VATICAN CITY, FEBRUARY 3, 2020 — A commission of cardinals, bishops, clergy, and laity has been appointed by the Congregation for Clergy to study evidence that orangutans once exercised diaconal functions in the ancient church. Responding to objections, Archbishop Aldo Huxley of Borneo defended the inevitability of the commission’s work. “Even if the evidence is almost non-existent and hinges on questionable archaeological theories, that’s no reason for skepticism. Look at Darwinian evolution, or the liturgical reform, both of which are accepted now by everyone.”
When pressed for what the evidence amounts to, Huxley noted: “There are all sorts of ancient records that refer to ‘primates’ in the Church, and with the help of German scholars (like the eminent Josef Altmann, S.J.), we have been able to make provisional reconstructions of what might have been their role.”